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SINCE THE PAMPERS NEWS NETWORKS HAVE DEDICATED THEMSELVES TO MAKING UP AN ALTERNATE REALITY TO SHIELD THEIR CHOSEN ONE FROM SCRUTINY AND CRITICISM, I HAVE DECIDED TO FOLLOW THEIR LEAD, CREATING MY OWN NEWS NETWORK. I CONTROL THE HORIZONTAL. I CONTROL THE VERTICAL. I AM THE LIZARD KING! I CAN DO ANYTHING!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Hamas Declares War On Juice

As the violence in Gaza continues, Hamas has expanded its target list. No longer content with rocketing Israeli towns and cities, the leader of the Islamic Extremist Terror Group, Khaled Mashaal, announced that Hamas, in addition to desiring to eliminate the State of Israel, plans to undertake a final solution against Juice.


Hat tip to UppityWoman for passing on this photo of Mr. Genius here from Little Green Footballs .

In response to Hamas' call for the extermination of juice, the Israeli Foreign Ministry released a statement that Israel will not be outdone, and plans to undertake a program of exterminating all fruit. The Agricultural Ministry advised that this might not be so smart considering that a rather large portion of the Israeli GNP is derived from produce exports. The inept, bungling Prime Minister of Israel, Ehud Olmert, responded by scratching himself.

There has been no confirmation from Hamas as to whether the anti-Juiceidic program will be limited to natural fruit juice, or will be extended to powders and concentrates as well.

11 comments:

me414 said...

Oh no! Death to all juice? Does that include prune juice?? What will all the senior citizens of the world do now?

Although...does Obama Kool-Aide count in that ban? It's kinda like juice. That would definitely be a worthy cause, IMO.

Shtuey said...

There has been no confirmation from Hamas as to whether this applies to natural fruit juices only, or extends to powdered juices and concentrates as well.

Anonymous said...

I say death! Death to all Kumquats!
They are plotting the extermination of mankind...

Aaaiieee!

Shtuey said...

If you think the kumquats are bad, you should see the persimmons. Those little bastards are nasty little fuckers.

Ann said...

Shtuey,

You reign supreme.

I'll take the Shtuey News Network anytime. Thanks for the much needed laugh today.

Ann said...

Now why the above posted as "Ann" I don't know --

it's me -- Ani.

Shtuey said...

Well, Ani, seems the potentates at No Quarter didn't agree with you, and deleted this story when I submitted it. I guess disinformation about Israel is okay, but comedy is not.

Stephen said...

The widely held assumption that this demonstrator spelled "Jews" wrong assumes that the man holding the sign is an anti-Israel demonstrator. My network of secret informants tells me, however, that this individual is actually an infiltrator from the Fructose United Corn Syrup Manufacturers Elite (FRUCSME). This little known group is alarmed at the increased preference of American consumers for pure juice products over those made with high fructose corn syrup that contain little if any real juice and aims to destroy real fruit wherever it can be found.

This particular demonstrator may be attempting to coopt leftwing anti-Israel movements into simultaneously supporting FRUCSME's war against fruit and pure fruit products.

Don't let FRUCSME endanger our nutrition. Buy real fruit and fruit juice enjoy it! Even better, buy fruit from Israel.

Shtuey said...

FRUCSME? FRUCSYOU!

Anonymous said...

People often think I too am a JUICE...next time I will ask, if it is an apple juice or sweet fruit juice.

Well, maybe they should spend more time in the school of learning and less in the school of HATE 'em ALL and perhaps we could all live together in PEACE...no matter what flavor of juice you are!

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I went blind for 36 hours in the spring of 1973 while suffering from pneumonia. In my expert medical opinion I was suffering from an acute case of hysterical blindness caused by having to watch the Watergate hearings with my mom, who was also shvach with the pneumonia. As a result, I am now physiologically incapable of being bamboozled by politicians, reporters, commentators, partisans, artisans, charlatans, caravans, old sedans, chicks with tans, or guys named Stan. I am a satirist, rabid feminomacho equalitist, Israel and HaShem loving Jew, sarcastinator, historialogist, musicologist, pain in the ass, and thorn in your side. Animals are people. Two legs good, four legs awesome. אני מאמין באמונה שלמה