ALL THE NEWS I DECIDE TO MAKE UP

SINCE THE PAMPERS NEWS NETWORKS HAVE DEDICATED THEMSELVES TO MAKING UP AN ALTERNATE REALITY TO SHIELD THEIR CHOSEN ONE FROM SCRUTINY AND CRITICISM, I HAVE DECIDED TO FOLLOW THEIR LEAD, CREATING MY OWN NEWS NETWORK. I CONTROL THE HORIZONTAL. I CONTROL THE VERTICAL. I AM THE LIZARD KING! I CAN DO ANYTHING!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Obama: Human or Tapir?

For over a year now there has been speculation as to whether Barack Hussein Obama is in fact a natural born citizen of the United States. It is thought that Obama was born in Kenya, according to his grandmother, and that his mother was not old enough to convey citizenship. Shtuey News Network has at last uncovered what may be the real truth. Obama is not Kenyan, he is Indonesian. But more disturbing is the revelation that Obama may not be human but, in fact, a Malayin Tapir.

Even a cursory examination of the facts points to the unavoidable truth. The Malayan tapir is black and white, has big ears, and prefers a vegetarian diet (hence Obama's knowledge as to the cost of arugula at Whole Foods).

The Malayan Tapir population is becoming increasingly stressed due to human encroachment and hunting...in non-Muslim countries (all four species of tapir are endangered due to rainforest destruction), which explains his penchant for kissing up to radical Islamic regimes. Obviously Obama is seeking elbow room for the world's remaining tapirs. Since Muslims do not hunt the tapir, a worldwide jihad that would bring the world under Islamic control would virtually eliminate the threat of tapir hunting. His being a tapir would also explain his limited ocular movement which accounts for his only being able to look at a teleprompter and not at a human audience, and his seemingly unabated dependence on the device (kudos to David Axelrod for being able to teach the tapir to read...it is possible that he himself is a species of weasel).

Logo for World Tapir Day or Tapir Global Domination Propaganda?

More evidence suggesting that Obama is a tapir is the fact that they are largely nocturnal creatures, which may account for why he was so out of it during Prime Minister Gordon Brown's visit, instead of his ludicrous statement that he was tired from all his hard work attempting to fix the economy (all evidence to the contrary).

Other possible giveaways may be the tendency of tapirs to wheeze and whistle when they are horny. Mating rituals involve attempting to sniff the genitals of their mates which results in tapirs spinning in circles, which Obama regularly does, at least when it comes to making policy and rhetorical statements. If Obama is a tapir, and is communicating with other tapirs he may whistle and urinate. Be on the look out for inordinate leg lifting. It is also possible that Obama represents a new species of tapir that communicates by emitting guttural "uhs" and "umm" noises. Tapirs also have an abiding love for salt. Notes should be made regarding his salt intake, and any tendencies to licking sweaty people or pretzels.

Be on the lookout for the tell tale signs. We cannot allow America to fall to the world tapir conspiracy, especially one that has the potential to put us under Moslem control with their legalized rape and honor killings and other such Sharia nonsense (I suppose we should all be thankful that the tapir is not a carnivore).

The plans for Global Tapir Domination are already in motion as the world just recently celebrated "World Tapir Day" on April 27th (we're serious), which has apparently been celebrated for years unbeknownst to most humans. Tapirs in your community should be looked at with suspicion as they are clearly up to no good.


9 comments:

American Genie said...

Bravo, Shtuey!!!

I love it! You are the "Lizard King!"

God bless America!

Shtuey said...

A.G., just trying to bring America the truth I make up...just like MSNBC and CNN!

navyvet48 said...

Of course you make stuff up better than the media does!

Tapir Watcher said...

Tapirs aren't into Sharia Law (or Islam, for that matter), and Indonesian tapirs are amongst the most threatened in the world.

As experts on the Tapir Liberation Front can confirm, tapirs are far more into Buddhism - particularly those streams that place an emphasis on bananas. But don't let this lull you into a false sense of security. Ever seen a shaolin monk in action? Imagine 300-odd kg of tapir flinging itself at you.

If you think the Lizard People are something to be frightened of, think again. Just do a search for 'Tapir Wars' to see what they are capable of.

Shtuey said...

We all know that the Tapir/Moslem connection is one of convenience. The Tapir is not chalal so they won't eat it. Once they are done using the Moslems they'll throw them under the bus too, with Obama's grandmas and Jeremiah Wright.

Mary Ellen said...

I knew you were the observant type, Shtuey, nothing gets past you! There is a remarkable resemblance, I must say. I have to wonder, what about Michelle? Her gunboat feet and defensive lineman sized shoulders are much to large to be genetically linked to the Tapir. Is this a mixed marriage?

Shtuey said...

I'm becoming more and more convinced that Michelle is a yeti.

知道 said...

「不可能」這個字詞,在聰明人的字典中是找不到的。........................................

無尾熊可愛 said...

wonderful...................................................

About Me

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I went blind for 36 hours in the spring of 1973 while suffering from pneumonia. In my expert medical opinion I was suffering from an acute case of hysterical blindness caused by having to watch the Watergate hearings with my mom, who was also shvach with the pneumonia. As a result, I am now physiologically incapable of being bamboozled by politicians, reporters, commentators, partisans, artisans, charlatans, caravans, old sedans, chicks with tans, or guys named Stan. I am a satirist, rabid feminomacho equalitist, Israel and HaShem loving Jew, sarcastinator, historialogist, musicologist, pain in the ass, and thorn in your side. Animals are people. Two legs good, four legs awesome. אני מאמין באמונה שלמה