Israel Prepares to Escalate Operation Cast Lead

Leaflets are being dropped on Gaza saying that the IDF will be escalating its operations in order to suck Hamas into oblivion...or even further.  The Ministry of Defense released this video

                                

Tactical Changes Working for IDF

SNN Correspondent Ima Tahini reporting from Jerusalem--With the Organization of World Leftist Assbag Shit Stuffers (OWLASS) whining and crying over Israel attempting to break Hamas, the IDF decided to rotate in a new set of munitions.  In the hopes of eliminating civilian casualties and meet UN demands that Israel cause the spontaneous regeneration of the dead, the IAF has been unleashing flying pigs on the radical Islamist terror group.

IDF spokesman, Rosh Caruv:  "As in the laws of kashrut, Islamic law declares that the pig is not chalal and thus forbidden.  Unleashing the flying pigs is disorienting Hamas fighters, and diminishing their human shield capacity.  This has also had an unforeseen benefit in that some Hamas fighters, starving due to the ever growing humanitarian crisis, as the only foodstuffs we are allowing into Gaza are Roadside Bomb Me Elmo dolls, some of the terrorists have been makin' bacon.  Their clerics then issue fatwahs against them and they go into hiding to avoid retribution."  

In response, Hamas called on their Lebanese friend, Green Helmet Guy to unleash manatee hell on Israel, but things did not exactly go according to plan.

Hamas spokesman Itair Apita blamed the explosion on the leader of the so-called "World Zionist Conspiracy," led by Manhattan C.P.A. Stanley Steinkaplanbermanowitz.  Steinkaplanbermanowitz could not be reached for comment.  His administrative assistant claimed he was preparing a client's taxes.

Captain Caruv later stated that the program was being discontinued.  "Though collateral damage has been greatly reduced since we began our flying pig bombardment, we now have PETA crawling up our ass.  They're almost as annoying as Hamas."

The Israeli Orthodox Rabbinate had ruled that, under normal circumstances, stitching wings on a pig and dropping it out of an airplane would violate Jewish laws regarding the prohibition on animal abuse.  But since the animals in question were not kosher, and they would be used to potentially save human lives, an exception was warranted, citing a caveat in Jewish law that virtually any regulation can be abrogated to save a life. 

Another logistical problem was that loading the pigs onto Israeli bombers was straining the underground "Shabbos Goy" racket, which threatened to weaken support for Operation Cast Lead among some of the more powerful members of the Slibovitz syndicate.   Caruv went on to explain that the IDF was also having trouble recruiting enough Haddassah ladies to come in and kosher the planes after their sorties, as most are still recovering from the nearly non-stop potato grating, and sufganiyot making, during Chanukah.  "Those Haddasah arms can only take so much," Caruv said.  "But the Defense Ministry hopes they will be recovered in time for the Hillel Sandwich offensive that is being planned for the Spring, if Gaza operations are still in effect."

Sorry Hamas, it's back to real bombs for now, and boiled Elmo.

Next time, in yet another Shtuey News Network exclusive, we'll be talking to the unsung heroes of the IDF's Operational Moniker Unit, who will be discussing the names for Operation Cast Lead that didn't pass muster. 

Israel's Secret Weapon Revealed

In a much anticipated unveiling, Israel revealed its newest weapon in its unending war to conquer the known universe: Axes of Evil. Not to be confused with the band of angels of evil referenced in the Haggadah, the book containing the ceremony of the Passover seder, the Axes of Evil are, in the words of IDF spokesman, Rosh Caruv, "very nasty and extra evil," and are specially designed for committing war crimes like J-walking. He then broke into a jocular rendition of Monty Python's Lumberjack Song and proceeded to cut off his own legs.

Defense Minister Ehud Barak expressed disappointment. "I was hoping for a band of angels of evil."

Hamas Declares War On Juice

As the violence in Gaza continues, Hamas has expanded its target list. No longer content with rocketing Israeli towns and cities, the leader of the Islamic Extremist Terror Group, Khaled Mashaal, announced that Hamas, in addition to desiring to eliminate the State of Israel, plans to undertake a final solution against Juice.

Hat tip to UppityWoman for passing on this photo of Mr. Genius here from Little Green Footballs .

In response to Hamas' call for the extermination of juice, the Israeli Foreign Ministry released a statement that Israel will not be outdone, and plans to undertake a program of exterminating all fruit. The Agricultural Ministry advised that this might not be so smart considering that a rather large portion of the Israeli GNP is derived from produce exports. The inept, bungling Prime Minister of Israel, Ehud Olmert, responded by scratching himself.

There has been no confirmation from Hamas as to whether the anti-Juiceidic program will be limited to natural fruit juice, or will be extended to powders and concentrates as well.