Tactical Changes Working for IDF

SNN Correspondent Ima Tahini reporting from Jerusalem--With the Organization of World Leftist Assbag Shit Stuffers (OWLASS) whining and crying over Israel attempting to break Hamas, the IDF decided to rotate in a new set of munitions.  In the hopes of eliminating civilian casualties and meet UN demands that Israel cause the spontaneous regeneration of the dead, the IAF has been unleashing flying pigs on the radical Islamist terror group.

IDF spokesman, Rosh Caruv:  "As in the laws of kashrut, Islamic law declares that the pig is not chalal and thus forbidden.  Unleashing the flying pigs is disorienting Hamas fighters, and diminishing their human shield capacity.  This has also had an unforeseen benefit in that some Hamas fighters, starving due to the ever growing humanitarian crisis, as the only foodstuffs we are allowing into Gaza are Roadside Bomb Me Elmo dolls, some of the terrorists have been makin' bacon.  Their clerics then issue fatwahs against them and they go into hiding to avoid retribution."  

In response, Hamas called on their Lebanese friend, Green Helmet Guy to unleash manatee hell on Israel, but things did not exactly go according to plan.

Hamas spokesman Itair Apita blamed the explosion on the leader of the so-called "World Zionist Conspiracy," led by Manhattan C.P.A. Stanley Steinkaplanbermanowitz.  Steinkaplanbermanowitz could not be reached for comment.  His administrative assistant claimed he was preparing a client's taxes.

Captain Caruv later stated that the program was being discontinued.  "Though collateral damage has been greatly reduced since we began our flying pig bombardment, we now have PETA crawling up our ass.  They're almost as annoying as Hamas."

The Israeli Orthodox Rabbinate had ruled that, under normal circumstances, stitching wings on a pig and dropping it out of an airplane would violate Jewish laws regarding the prohibition on animal abuse.  But since the animals in question were not kosher, and they would be used to potentially save human lives, an exception was warranted, citing a caveat in Jewish law that virtually any regulation can be abrogated to save a life. 

Another logistical problem was that loading the pigs onto Israeli bombers was straining the underground "Shabbos Goy" racket, which threatened to weaken support for Operation Cast Lead among some of the more powerful members of the Slibovitz syndicate.   Caruv went on to explain that the IDF was also having trouble recruiting enough Haddassah ladies to come in and kosher the planes after their sorties, as most are still recovering from the nearly non-stop potato grating, and sufganiyot making, during Chanukah.  "Those Haddasah arms can only take so much," Caruv said.  "But the Defense Ministry hopes they will be recovered in time for the Hillel Sandwich offensive that is being planned for the Spring, if Gaza operations are still in effect."

Sorry Hamas, it's back to real bombs for now, and boiled Elmo.

Next time, in yet another Shtuey News Network exclusive, we'll be talking to the unsung heroes of the IDF's Operational Moniker Unit, who will be discussing the names for Operation Cast Lead that didn't pass muster. 

Israel's Secret Weapon Revealed

In a much anticipated unveiling, Israel revealed its newest weapon in its unending war to conquer the known universe: Axes of Evil. Not to be confused with the band of angels of evil referenced in the Haggadah, the book containing the ceremony of the Passover seder, the Axes of Evil are, in the words of IDF spokesman, Rosh Caruv, "very nasty and extra evil," and are specially designed for committing war crimes like J-walking. He then broke into a jocular rendition of Monty Python's Lumberjack Song and proceeded to cut off his own legs.

Defense Minister Ehud Barak expressed disappointment. "I was hoping for a band of angels of evil."

Hamas Declares War On Juice

As the violence in Gaza continues, Hamas has expanded its target list. No longer content with rocketing Israeli towns and cities, the leader of the Islamic Extremist Terror Group, Khaled Mashaal, announced that Hamas, in addition to desiring to eliminate the State of Israel, plans to undertake a final solution against Juice.

Hat tip to UppityWoman for passing on this photo of Mr. Genius here from Little Green Footballs .

In response to Hamas' call for the extermination of juice, the Israeli Foreign Ministry released a statement that Israel will not be outdone, and plans to undertake a program of exterminating all fruit. The Agricultural Ministry advised that this might not be so smart considering that a rather large portion of the Israeli GNP is derived from produce exports. The inept, bungling Prime Minister of Israel, Ehud Olmert, responded by scratching himself.

There has been no confirmation from Hamas as to whether the anti-Juiceidic program will be limited to natural fruit juice, or will be extended to powders and concentrates as well.

Pampers' Preferred Replacement Revealed

SNN sources in the Chicago FBI field office tell us tonight that wiretaps have revealed Pampers' preferred choice in Blago's pay to play Senate Scheme.  It is none other than Mushmouth from Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids.

The following is a transcript from a portion of the recordings:

Pampers: "And...uh...if...you're...a... ever...um...asked to a...testify...no one will understand a thing you're...uh... saying."

Mushmouth: "Obakaybee Obabama."

Pampers was reportedly offering to pay for a new toupee for Blag made by House of Muskrat.

Add Mushmouth to the ever growing list of victims under the Pampers bus.

SNN Exclusive: Corruption Charges the Least of Blago's Problems

The blogosphere is erupting in tumult over yesterday's arrest of Governor Blago the Inhaler on corruption charges. But the real story is one of murder, taxadermy, and hair.

According to anonymous SNN sources, FBI investigators have uncovered a mass grave on the grounds of the Governor's home containing hundreds of what appear to be the mumified remains of skunks and badgers. Most are well decomposed, but there were some that seem to be recently buried, showing signs that they were skinned.

"The mumification process used was crude at best, and clearly done in haste," said Egyptologist Frymea Fallafel. "It may be that the Governor is a worshipper or Ra or Osiris. If what we see here is evidence of the quality of his mumification skills, it's no wonder that the gods have turned against him. This is just sloppy."

"One need only look at the Governor's hair to realize that these hair weaves of his are derived from the rodent family," said hair expert Vital Spatoon. "It's a shanda."

As yet, there has been no comment from the animal rights industry, but a number of gangs of wolverines and badgers have been seen thumbing for rides, holding signs bearing the legend, "Illinois or bust."

In an SSN phone interview conducted this morning, noted fire safety mascot Smokey the Bear told us, "If there is any justice, the Governor will wake up in jail with an angry wolverine in his pants."

Ouch!

Hide Your Children!!!

Our sources have confirmed that Joe Biden has officially girded his loins.  Quite frankly I can't think of a more disgusting thought.  Well, with that out of the way there's only one thing left for a guy who's about to assume an office with no constitutional powers, other than breaking ties in the Senate, and sitting around waiting for the President to become incapacitated, resign, or be found ineligible to serve, to do: get drunk and dance!

C. Everett Koop Identity Revealed!

In yet another SNN exclusive, long rumored theories have been confirmed.  Carbon dating experts revealed this morning that former Ronald Reagan Surgeon General C. Everett Koop is in fact former Abraham Lincoln Attorney General Edward Bates.

Born 4 September 1793, the 215 year old Bates has also been a quantity surveyor, sex toy manufacturer, boxer, and professional crank.  When contacted by SNN for comment Mr. Bates said, "If you call me again I'll kick your ass!"