Unable to come up with a single proposal that doesn't piss off the majority of Americans, Resident Martin Luther Lincoln Jr. Jr. signed the Emancipation Proclamation today, thus freeing all slaves in the United States and its territories (this excludes women and children sold in the sex trade because, well, he doesn't give a fuck about them unless they plan to vote for him).
When reminded by a member of the press that the slaves had been freed by the REAL President Lincoln, Resident Lincoln Jr. Jr. said, "Nuh-uh dummy." That'll show 'em.
