Friday, December 12, 2008

Pampers' Preferred Replacement Revealed

SNN sources in the Chicago FBI field office tell us tonight that wiretaps have revealed Pampers' preferred choice in Blago's pay to play Senate Scheme.  It is none other than Mushmouth from Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids.

The following is a transcript from a portion of the recordings:

Pampers: "'re...a... to one will understand a thing you're...uh... saying."

Mushmouth: "Obakaybee Obabama."

Pampers was reportedly offering to pay for a new toupee for Blag made by House of Muskrat.

Add Mushmouth to the ever growing list of victims under the Pampers bus.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

SNN Exclusive: Corruption Charges the Least of Blago's Problems

The blogosphere is erupting in tumult over yesterday's arrest of Governor Blago the Inhaler on corruption charges. But the real story is one of murder, taxadermy, and hair.

According to anonymous SNN sources, FBI investigators have uncovered a mass grave on the grounds of the Governor's home containing hundreds of what appear to be the mumified remains of skunks and badgers. Most are well decomposed, but there were some that seem to be recently buried, showing signs that they were skinned.

"The mumification process used was crude at best, and clearly done in haste," said Egyptologist Frymea Fallafel. "It may be that the Governor is a worshipper or Ra or Osiris. If what we see here is evidence of the quality of his mumification skills, it's no wonder that the gods have turned against him. This is just sloppy."

"One need only look at the Governor's hair to realize that these hair weaves of his are derived from the rodent family," said hair expert Vital Spatoon. "It's a shanda."

As yet, there has been no comment from the animal rights industry, but a number of gangs of wolverines and badgers have been seen thumbing for rides, holding signs bearing the legend, "Illinois or bust."

In an SSN phone interview conducted this morning, noted fire safety mascot Smokey the Bear told us, "If there is any justice, the Governor will wake up in jail with an angry wolverine in his pants."


Friday, December 5, 2008

Hide Your Children!!!

Our sources have confirmed that Joe Biden has officially girded his loins.  Quite frankly I can't think of a more disgusting thought.  Well, with that out of the way there's only one thing left for a guy who's about to assume an office with no constitutional powers, other than breaking ties in the Senate, and sitting around waiting for the President to become incapacitated, resign, or be found ineligible to serve, to do: get drunk and dance!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

C. Everett Koop Identity Revealed!

In yet another SNN exclusive, long rumored theories have been confirmed.  Carbon dating experts revealed this morning that former Ronald Reagan Surgeon General C. Everett Koop is in fact former Abraham Lincoln Attorney General Edward Bates.

Born 4 September 1793, the 215 year old Bates has also been a quantity surveyor, sex toy manufacturer, boxer, and professional crank.  When contacted by SNN for comment Mr. Bates said, "If you call me again I'll kick your ass!"

Friday, November 14, 2008

Original Thought Induces Pampers Malfunction

Earlier today, president-select Pampers malfunctioned after having an original thought.  Members of his tutoring team have assured SSN that the particle of brain responsible has been removed and is up for auction on ebay.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Pampers' Millions Wisely Invested.

With Pampers having secured victory in the presidential election, and the DNC heavily in debt, he has decided to take the next logical step:  invest trillions of dollars in an intergalactic waffle maker.  No wonder his tutors are saying the transition will cost $11 million billion gadillion dollars.

Commenting at a press conference the president-select said, "I to choose between uh...a planet destroying space station or the wafflemaker.  I figure I can always blow up planets with my ego so wafflemaker it is."

Have fun Pampers.  Now no one can bother you while you eat your waffles.

waffle image from Hillbuzz
ODeathstar from radio 360 Talk

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Mr. B'rack Selected President, America Kills Self

The United States of America was found dead on election night in a motel outside Reno, NV following the victory of Mr. B'rack Pampers in the Presidential election.  Forensic pathologists have ruled the death a suicide by voting.

"We found an inordinate number of ballots and hanging chads in the motel room where America was holed up on election day," reported medical examiner Crispy Pennyfart.  "At first we thought it was a lethal mixture of hope and change, but it was the chads."

"Americans are just plain stupid," said Lady Liberty in an SNN exclusive interview.  "We let in the huddled masses, we tell them to be responsible, and then they drink and vote and this is what happens."

The United States was laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetary today.  No word on who will be replacing the USA.  Our sources are saying that it may well be the Pampers Empire, or the Banana Republic of Waffles.

Rest assured that SNN will make up the details as they happen.

B'rack's Brain

President-elect and illogical Vulcan, Mr. B'rack had his brain stolen by a band of horny interplanetary space girlies.  Political Dr. Frankenstein, David Axelgoebels has volunteered to be B'rack's brain.  "I've been doing that for nearly twenty years so this isn't much of a stretch," Axelgoebels told SNN.

When asked what he would do first as B'rack's brain Axelgoebels replied, "Eradicate the production of tapioca pudding.  I hate it.  Anyone found making tapioca pudding will be destroyed.  Anyone who likes it will be sent to reeducation camps where they will learn to like banana pudding instead."

Pampers: making the world safe from tapioca!

Photo from The Weekly Standard.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Concerns Arise About Amok Time With Pampers

Mr. B'rack smiles for the camera.

Word on the street is that there is a certain amount of trepidation among members of Pampers’ Imperial Transition Team. At age 47 Mr. B’rack is only two years away from reaching yet another period in the Vulcan biological cycle known as the Pon Faar. For those of you unfamiliar with Vulcan biology, the Pon Faar occurs every seven years over the course of the Vulcan male’s lifespan. Symptoms include violent mood swings, erratic behavior, and unbridled libido, accompanied by the urge to rape anything within reach including furniture, outerwear, and anything capable of respirating.

Campaign Manager David Axelgoebels, in an exclusive interview with SNN, told us, “Mr. B’rack’s last Pon Faar was, quite frankly, ridiculous. He despoiled a herd of sheep, and I can’t even begin to get into what happened at the Galesburg bowling ball factory.”

It is traditional for Vulcan males to return to their home world during Pon Faar. After several laborious attempts, we were able to reach Vulcan High Priestess T’Pau to comment as to why Pampers is not being brought back to Vulcan.

“Honestly...he’s a pain in the ass,” T’Pau reports. The last time he was home for Pon Faar he broke my gong, humped a Vulcan honey badger, and left one of my priests unconscious with a size seven poop chute. I’m an old woman…I don’t need this crap. If it wasn’t for the sycophantic Vulcan media I’d have had him excommunicated years ago.”

T'Pau: B'rack, "a pain in the ass."

When asked why Pampers didn’t hold off on his run for the White House until 2012, so as to delay the Pon Faar until his second term, Axelgoebels replied, “Truth be told, we hate Hillary Clinton. We felt that having the chance to beat her ass with caucus fraud was worth the risk of jeopardizing his chances for reelection. Besides, had she won, his next Pon Faar would happen in his first year in office in 2017, so we’d be right back where we are now. All things being equal, I think we made the smart play.”

And like all things Pampers, his handlers have everything all ready ready already for his 2010 Pon Faar. Rahm Emmanuel, Mr. B’rack’s newly selected Chief of Staff, is already making assurances that all will be under control. “We’ve made arrangements for B’rack to have an abandoned missile silo in South Dakota at his disposal, stocked with the appropriate toys, and beasts.  He’ll be gone for several days and then it will be over as if nothing ever happened.”

SNN had hoped to negotiate the rights to document the 2010 Pon Faar, but the reply from the Office of the President Select was plain, “No you can’t.”

So much for change you can believe in.

Photo credits: Mr. B’rack from television/
T’pau photo from: trekwomen_tpau.html

About Me

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I went blind for 36 hours in the spring of 1973 while suffering from pneumonia. In my expert medical opinion I was suffering from an acute case of hysterical blindness caused by having to watch the Watergate hearings with my mom, who was also shvach with the pneumonia. As a result, I am now physiologically incapable of being bamboozled by politicians, reporters, commentators, partisans, artisans, charlatans, caravans, old sedans, chicks with tans, or guys named Stan. I am a satirist, rabid feminomacho equalitist, Israel and HaShem loving Jew, sarcastinator, historialogist, musicologist, pain in the ass, and thorn in your side. Animals are people. Two legs good, four legs awesome. אני מאמין באמונה שלמה