ALL THE NEWS I DECIDE TO MAKE UP
SINCE THE PAMPERS NEWS NETWORKS HAVE DEDICATED THEMSELVES TO MAKING UP AN ALTERNATE REALITY TO SHIELD THEIR CHOSEN ONE FROM SCRUTINY AND CRITICISM, I HAVE DECIDED TO FOLLOW THEIR LEAD, CREATING MY OWN NEWS NETWORK. I CONTROL THE HORIZONTAL. I CONTROL THE VERTICAL. I AM THE LIZARD KING! I CAN DO ANYTHING!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
SNN Exclusive: Corruption Charges the Least of Blago's Problems
The blogosphere is erupting in tumult over yesterday's arrest of Governor Blago the Inhaler on corruption charges. But the real story is one of murder, taxadermy, and hair.
According to anonymous SNN sources, FBI investigators have uncovered a mass grave on the grounds of the Governor's home containing hundreds of what appear to be the mumified remains of skunks and badgers. Most are well decomposed, but there were some that seem to be recently buried, showing signs that they were skinned.
"The mumification process used was crude at best, and clearly done in haste," said Egyptologist Frymea Fallafel. "It may be that the Governor is a worshipper or Ra or Osiris. If what we see here is evidence of the quality of his mumification skills, it's no wonder that the gods have turned against him. This is just sloppy."
"One need only look at the Governor's hair to realize that these hair weaves of his are derived from the rodent family," said hair expert Vital Spatoon. "It's a shanda."
As yet, there has been no comment from the animal rights industry, but a number of gangs of wolverines and badgers have been seen thumbing for rides, holding signs bearing the legend, "Illinois or bust."
In an SSN phone interview conducted this morning, noted fire safety mascot Smokey the Bear told us, "If there is any justice, the Governor will wake up in jail with an angry wolverine in his pants."
- I went blind for 36 hours in the spring of 1973 while suffering from pneumonia. In my expert medical opinion I was suffering from an acute case of hysterical blindness caused by having to watch the Watergate hearings with my mom, who was also shvach with the pneumonia. As a result, I am now physiologically incapable of being bamboozled by politicians, reporters, commentators, partisans, artisans, charlatans, caravans, old sedans, chicks with tans, or guys named Stan. I am a satirist, rabid feminomacho equalitist, Israel and HaShem loving Jew, sarcastinator, historialogist, musicologist, pain in the ass, and thorn in your side. Animals are people. Two legs good, four legs awesome. אני מאמין באמונה שלמה