Sunday, May 3, 2009

Obama: Human or Tapir?

For over a year now there has been speculation as to whether Barack Hussein Obama is in fact a natural born citizen of the United States. It is thought that Obama was born in Kenya, according to his grandmother, and that his mother was not old enough to convey citizenship. Shtuey News Network has at last uncovered what may be the real truth. Obama is not Kenyan, he is Indonesian. But more disturbing is the revelation that Obama may not be human but, in fact, a Malayin Tapir.

Even a cursory examination of the facts points to the unavoidable truth. The Malayan tapir is black and white, has big ears, and prefers a vegetarian diet (hence Obama's knowledge as to the cost of arugula at Whole Foods).

The Malayan Tapir population is becoming increasingly stressed due to human encroachment and non-Muslim countries (all four species of tapir are endangered due to rainforest destruction), which explains his penchant for kissing up to radical Islamic regimes. Obviously Obama is seeking elbow room for the world's remaining tapirs. Since Muslims do not hunt the tapir, a worldwide jihad that would bring the world under Islamic control would virtually eliminate the threat of tapir hunting. His being a tapir would also explain his limited ocular movement which accounts for his only being able to look at a teleprompter and not at a human audience, and his seemingly unabated dependence on the device (kudos to David Axelrod for being able to teach the tapir to is possible that he himself is a species of weasel).

Logo for World Tapir Day or Tapir Global Domination Propaganda?

More evidence suggesting that Obama is a tapir is the fact that they are largely nocturnal creatures, which may account for why he was so out of it during Prime Minister Gordon Brown's visit, instead of his ludicrous statement that he was tired from all his hard work attempting to fix the economy (all evidence to the contrary).

Other possible giveaways may be the tendency of tapirs to wheeze and whistle when they are horny. Mating rituals involve attempting to sniff the genitals of their mates which results in tapirs spinning in circles, which Obama regularly does, at least when it comes to making policy and rhetorical statements. If Obama is a tapir, and is communicating with other tapirs he may whistle and urinate. Be on the look out for inordinate leg lifting. It is also possible that Obama represents a new species of tapir that communicates by emitting guttural "uhs" and "umm" noises. Tapirs also have an abiding love for salt. Notes should be made regarding his salt intake, and any tendencies to licking sweaty people or pretzels.

Be on the lookout for the tell tale signs. We cannot allow America to fall to the world tapir conspiracy, especially one that has the potential to put us under Moslem control with their legalized rape and honor killings and other such Sharia nonsense (I suppose we should all be thankful that the tapir is not a carnivore).

The plans for Global Tapir Domination are already in motion as the world just recently celebrated "World Tapir Day" on April 27th (we're serious), which has apparently been celebrated for years unbeknownst to most humans. Tapirs in your community should be looked at with suspicion as they are clearly up to no good.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

New Front Opens In War on Juice

During the winter SNN reported that radical Islamists declared war on juice. It appears that Israel is striking back. Guest correspondent LadyBoomer NYC reported this story to us. Thank you sweetie darling.

SNN immediately launched an in depth investigation and uncovered the following:

Disguised as Chinese goods, crate loads of Jaffa oranges, arguably the sweetest, juiciest oranges on the planet, invaded the Tehran metropolitan area, bringing their healthy delicious goodness to the people of Iran. Obviously the mullahs are none too pleased. Jaffa oranges are being rounded up and shot, their pulp splattered bodies dumped into open graves.

"This is a fruit rights crisis of massive proportions," said Klompis Palmello, director of the World Center for Fruiting Rights. "We demand the immediate levying of sanctions banning all fruit exports to Iran."

A representative of the Iranian revolutionary government stated that he was unaware of any such fruit massacres and that this was simply more Israeli propaganda. "Show us proof that this so-called Jaffa orange even exists. This is just another zionist hoax, like the Holocaust, or gefilte fish, which isn't even a real fish."

More seductive Zionist Fruit Propaganda

Israel is denying any and all knowledge of the Jaffa Oranges' invasion at this time.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

No You Won't!

Apart from law suits being brought against super mega change Resident Juan Fucking Asshole Peron Jr. Jr. there is now the possibility that he will facing a copyright infringement suit from none other than childhood heroes of the construction site Bob T. Builder and his charming but rugged wife Wendy, angered over broken promises of high level appointments in exchange for the free use of their theme lyrics.

"When we heard that Obama wanted to use the phrase "Yes we can," we approached him to let him know that the exclamation was ours," Bob told SNN.

Wendy went on to say, "He promised that if we gave him free use he'd appoint us co-secretaries of Housing and Urban Development. We should have known he was going screw us when he started having reservations about me being, 'just a girl.'"

Bob and Wendy T. Builder; pissed at the Resident; "The fucker stabbed us in the back."

"He totally fucked us over so now we want our due." Bob said they are asking for $1.5 billion in damages and usage fees.

"The way he's pissing away our tax dollars why should't we get a piece of the action."

The Builders also alluded to the possibility of seeking to get former Philadelphia Phillies hitter Dave Cash in on the suit. Cash started the "Yes We Can" chant for the Phillies back in 1974. Cash could not be reached for comment.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Sesame Street In Flames, Muppets Pissed

Sesame Street erupted in violence and mayhem this week when a photo was released on The Daily News, showing Resident Juan Lincoln Peron Jr. Jr. consuming fried frog's legs.

The photo that touched off violence

"This is the kind of violence frogs have faced for generations and we're fucking sick of it!" exclaimed de facto leader of the riotous mob, one Kermit T. Frog. In solidarity for their green web footed friend, the other Muppet residents of Sesame Street flew into a red rage, setting cars ablaze, smashing store front windows, and in at least one case...stealing cookies.

"Me love cookies!" was the last thing heard by Puppeteer Bob Lenier before being clubbed over the head with a two by four.

Pissed off Muppets take to the streets
Photo from

The Count told SNN, "We haven't chaad a riot like dis, since dey tried to shave da Snuffleupagus...ah ah ah ah."

"I'm just glad Mr. Looper isn't alive to see this," said Big Bird with a tear in his eye as he lobbed a molotov cocktail through the store front window of what had been Hooper's Grocery Store.

When asked when the violence might end Kermit's publicist Skyler said, "When the President publicly apologizes for eating frog legs, and does a public service announcement stating that eating frog legs is evil, we will stand down. Until then, the shit hole burns! This is not change we can believe in!"

Sunday, March 1, 2009

American Mascot Contemplates Retirement

The symbol of our nation, the Bald Eagle, is considering stepping down from its post as our nation's mascot.

"Look, that's us on the Presidential seal, the Vice President's seal, State...we're on money and shit. Frankly I don't want to be associated with this wingnut fucking bullshit," said a bald eagle spokesbird this morning.

When asked for suggestions as to what species of animal would take over the bird replied, "Weasels are suck ups, they might do it. But if you're going to stick with the bird idiom I'd go with the turkey vulture, or the shitbird."

The Turkey Vulture. If it reeks, and it's dead, the turkey vulture will eat it.

The Shitbird is not worried about personal hygiene, or keeping up appearances.

When asked what the American bald eagle population had in mind for retirement the Bald Eagle Spokesbird told us, "We're keeping our options open. We've talked about moving lock stock and barrel to The Villages..."

SNN: "America's friendliest hometown?"

BESB: "The same. But if Biden is getting drunk singing the jingle then there's a pretty high rate of probability he will end up there. We're trying to disassociate from these assholes. I hear Boca is nice. We've also gotten an invitation from the Philadelphia Eagles to take up residence in and around Lincoln Financial Field to help control the R.O.U.S. population. We're not making any commitments right now, just assessing our possibilities."

Monday, February 9, 2009

Martin Luther Lincoln Jr. Jr. Emancipates the Slaves

Unable to come up with a single proposal that doesn't piss off the majority of Americans, Resident Martin Luther Lincoln Jr. Jr. signed the Emancipation Proclamation today, thus freeing all slaves in the United States and its territories (this excludes women and children sold in the sex trade because, well, he doesn't give a fuck about them unless they plan to vote for him).

When reminded by a member of the press that the slaves had been freed by the REAL President Lincoln, Resident Lincoln Jr. Jr. said, "Nuh-uh dummy."  That'll show 'em.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Israel Prepares to Escalate Operation Cast Lead

Leaflets are being dropped on Gaza saying that the IDF will be escalating its operations in order to suck Hamas into oblivion...or even further.  The Ministry of Defense released this video


Thursday, January 8, 2009

Tactical Changes Working for IDF

SNN Correspondent Ima Tahini reporting from Jerusalem--With the Organization of World Leftist Assbag Shit Stuffers (OWLASS) whining and crying over Israel attempting to break Hamas, the IDF decided to rotate in a new set of munitions.  In the hopes of eliminating civilian casualties and meet UN demands that Israel cause the spontaneous regeneration of the dead, the IAF has been unleashing flying pigs on the radical Islamist terror group.

IDF spokesman, Rosh Caruv:  "As in the laws of kashrut, Islamic law declares that the pig is not chalal and thus forbidden.  Unleashing the flying pigs is disorienting Hamas fighters, and diminishing their human shield capacity.  This has also had an unforeseen benefit in that some Hamas fighters, starving due to the ever growing humanitarian crisis, as the only foodstuffs we are allowing into Gaza are Roadside Bomb Me Elmo dolls, some of the terrorists have been makin' bacon.  Their clerics then issue fatwahs against them and they go into hiding to avoid retribution."  

In response, Hamas called on their Lebanese friend, Green Helmet Guy to unleash manatee hell on Israel, but things did not exactly go according to plan.

Hamas spokesman Itair Apita blamed the explosion on the leader of the so-called "World Zionist Conspiracy," led by Manhattan C.P.A. Stanley Steinkaplanbermanowitz.  Steinkaplanbermanowitz could not be reached for comment.  His administrative assistant claimed he was preparing a client's taxes.

Captain Caruv later stated that the program was being discontinued.  "Though collateral damage has been greatly reduced since we began our flying pig bombardment, we now have PETA crawling up our ass.  They're almost as annoying as Hamas."

The Israeli Orthodox Rabbinate had ruled that, under normal circumstances, stitching wings on a pig and dropping it out of an airplane would violate Jewish laws regarding the prohibition on animal abuse.  But since the animals in question were not kosher, and they would be used to potentially save human lives, an exception was warranted, citing a caveat in Jewish law that virtually any regulation can be abrogated to save a life. 

Another logistical problem was that loading the pigs onto Israeli bombers was straining the underground "Shabbos Goy" racket, which threatened to weaken support for Operation Cast Lead among some of the more powerful members of the Slibovitz syndicate.   Caruv went on to explain that the IDF was also having trouble recruiting enough Haddassah ladies to come in and kosher the planes after their sorties, as most are still recovering from the nearly non-stop potato grating, and sufganiyot making, during Chanukah.  "Those Haddasah arms can only take so much," Caruv said.  "But the Defense Ministry hopes they will be recovered in time for the Hillel Sandwich offensive that is being planned for the Spring, if Gaza operations are still in effect."

Sorry Hamas, it's back to real bombs for now, and boiled Elmo.

Next time, in yet another Shtuey News Network exclusive, we'll be talking to the unsung heroes of the IDF's Operational Moniker Unit, who will be discussing the names for Operation Cast Lead that didn't pass muster. 

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Israel's Secret Weapon Revealed

In a much anticipated unveiling, Israel revealed its newest weapon in its unending war to conquer the known universe: Axes of Evil. Not to be confused with the band of angels of evil referenced in the Haggadah, the book containing the ceremony of the Passover seder, the Axes of Evil are, in the words of IDF spokesman, Rosh Caruv, "very nasty and extra evil," and are specially designed for committing war crimes like J-walking. He then broke into a jocular rendition of Monty Python's Lumberjack Song and proceeded to cut off his own legs.


Defense Minister Ehud Barak expressed disappointment. "I was hoping for a band of angels of evil."

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Hamas Declares War On Juice

As the violence in Gaza continues, Hamas has expanded its target list. No longer content with rocketing Israeli towns and cities, the leader of the Islamic Extremist Terror Group, Khaled Mashaal, announced that Hamas, in addition to desiring to eliminate the State of Israel, plans to undertake a final solution against Juice.

Hat tip to UppityWoman for passing on this photo of Mr. Genius here from Little Green Footballs .

In response to Hamas' call for the extermination of juice, the Israeli Foreign Ministry released a statement that Israel will not be outdone, and plans to undertake a program of exterminating all fruit. The Agricultural Ministry advised that this might not be so smart considering that a rather large portion of the Israeli GNP is derived from produce exports. The inept, bungling Prime Minister of Israel, Ehud Olmert, responded by scratching himself.

There has been no confirmation from Hamas as to whether the anti-Juiceidic program will be limited to natural fruit juice, or will be extended to powders and concentrates as well.

About Me

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I went blind for 36 hours in the spring of 1973 while suffering from pneumonia. In my expert medical opinion I was suffering from an acute case of hysterical blindness caused by having to watch the Watergate hearings with my mom, who was also shvach with the pneumonia. As a result, I am now physiologically incapable of being bamboozled by politicians, reporters, commentators, partisans, artisans, charlatans, caravans, old sedans, chicks with tans, or guys named Stan. I am a satirist, rabid feminomacho equalitist, Israel and HaShem loving Jew, sarcastinator, historialogist, musicologist, pain in the ass, and thorn in your side. Animals are people. Two legs good, four legs awesome. אני מאמין באמונה שלמה