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SINCE THE PAMPERS NEWS NETWORKS HAVE DEDICATED THEMSELVES TO MAKING UP AN ALTERNATE REALITY TO SHIELD THEIR CHOSEN ONE FROM SCRUTINY AND CRITICISM, I HAVE DECIDED TO FOLLOW THEIR LEAD, CREATING MY OWN NEWS NETWORK. I CONTROL THE HORIZONTAL. I CONTROL THE VERTICAL. I AM THE LIZARD KING! I CAN DO ANYTHING!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

New Front Opens In War on Juice

During the winter SNN reported that radical Islamists declared war on juice. It appears that Israel is striking back. Guest correspondent LadyBoomer NYC reported this story to us. Thank you sweetie darling.

SNN immediately launched an in depth investigation and uncovered the following:

Disguised as Chinese goods, crate loads of Jaffa oranges, arguably the sweetest, juiciest oranges on the planet, invaded the Tehran metropolitan area, bringing their healthy delicious goodness to the people of Iran. Obviously the mullahs are none too pleased. Jaffa oranges are being rounded up and shot, their pulp splattered bodies dumped into open graves.

"This is a fruit rights crisis of massive proportions," said Klompis Palmello, director of the World Center for Fruiting Rights. "We demand the immediate levying of sanctions banning all fruit exports to Iran."

A representative of the Iranian revolutionary government stated that he was unaware of any such fruit massacres and that this was simply more Israeli propaganda. "Show us proof that this so-called Jaffa orange even exists. This is just another zionist hoax, like the Holocaust, or gefilte fish, which isn't even a real fish."

More seductive Zionist Fruit Propaganda

Israel is denying any and all knowledge of the Jaffa Oranges' invasion at this time.

2 comments:

12tequilas said...

Someone better do something before trees start growing out of those mass graves. Who know what kind of unimaginable plants the cross-breeding would produce...

Lady Boomer NYC said...

Shtuey -- Thanks for the cred. Ooo, guest correspondent -- gee, it sounds like you'll be shipping me off to cover the juice wars soon.

The sweet, innocent oranges in Chinese packaging that made their way into forbidden Iranian territory was funny in itself. How you spoofed is one of the funniest things I've read.

Are they special spy oranges with embedded microchips, or will Israel simply win over the mullahs by juicing them silly?

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I went blind for 36 hours in the spring of 1973 while suffering from pneumonia. In my expert medical opinion I was suffering from an acute case of hysterical blindness caused by having to watch the Watergate hearings with my mom, who was also shvach with the pneumonia. As a result, I am now physiologically incapable of being bamboozled by politicians, reporters, commentators, partisans, artisans, charlatans, caravans, old sedans, chicks with tans, or guys named Stan. I am a satirist, rabid feminomacho equalitist, Israel and HaShem loving Jew, sarcastinator, historialogist, musicologist, pain in the ass, and thorn in your side. Animals are people. Two legs good, four legs awesome. אני מאמין באמונה שלמה