ALL THE NEWS I DECIDE TO MAKE UP

SINCE THE PAMPERS NEWS NETWORKS HAVE DEDICATED THEMSELVES TO MAKING UP AN ALTERNATE REALITY TO SHIELD THEIR CHOSEN ONE FROM SCRUTINY AND CRITICISM, I HAVE DECIDED TO FOLLOW THEIR LEAD, CREATING MY OWN NEWS NETWORK. I CONTROL THE HORIZONTAL. I CONTROL THE VERTICAL. I AM THE LIZARD KING! I CAN DO ANYTHING!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Concerns Arise About Amok Time With Pampers


Mr. B'rack smiles for the camera.

Word on the street is that there is a certain amount of trepidation among members of Pampers’ Imperial Transition Team. At age 47 Mr. B’rack is only two years away from reaching yet another period in the Vulcan biological cycle known as the Pon Faar. For those of you unfamiliar with Vulcan biology, the Pon Faar occurs every seven years over the course of the Vulcan male’s lifespan. Symptoms include violent mood swings, erratic behavior, and unbridled libido, accompanied by the urge to rape anything within reach including furniture, outerwear, and anything capable of respirating.

Campaign Manager David Axelgoebels, in an exclusive interview with SNN, told us, “Mr. B’rack’s last Pon Faar was, quite frankly, ridiculous. He despoiled a herd of sheep, and I can’t even begin to get into what happened at the Galesburg bowling ball factory.”

It is traditional for Vulcan males to return to their home world during Pon Faar. After several laborious attempts, we were able to reach Vulcan High Priestess T’Pau to comment as to why Pampers is not being brought back to Vulcan.

“Honestly...he’s a pain in the ass,” T’Pau reports. The last time he was home for Pon Faar he broke my gong, humped a Vulcan honey badger, and left one of my priests unconscious with a size seven poop chute. I’m an old woman…I don’t need this crap. If it wasn’t for the sycophantic Vulcan media I’d have had him excommunicated years ago.”



T'Pau: B'rack, "a pain in the ass."

When asked why Pampers didn’t hold off on his run for the White House until 2012, so as to delay the Pon Faar until his second term, Axelgoebels replied, “Truth be told, we hate Hillary Clinton. We felt that having the chance to beat her ass with caucus fraud was worth the risk of jeopardizing his chances for reelection. Besides, had she won, his next Pon Faar would happen in his first year in office in 2017, so we’d be right back where we are now. All things being equal, I think we made the smart play.”

And like all things Pampers, his handlers have everything all ready ready already for his 2010 Pon Faar. Rahm Emmanuel, Mr. B’rack’s newly selected Chief of Staff, is already making assurances that all will be under control. “We’ve made arrangements for B’rack to have an abandoned missile silo in South Dakota at his disposal, stocked with the appropriate toys, and beasts.  He’ll be gone for several days and then it will be over as if nothing ever happened.”

SNN had hoped to negotiate the rights to document the 2010 Pon Faar, but the reply from the Office of the President Select was plain, “No you can’t.”

So much for change you can believe in.


Photo credits: Mr. B’rack from www.henryjenkins.org/ television/
T’pau photo from: www.sherylfranklin.com/ trekwomen_tpau.html

13 comments:

1522Lafayette said...

ROTFLO

Diamond Tiger said...

Okay - this makes me happier than a #10 can of chocolate or my favorite Mango cheesecake (which is saying quite a bit). Maybe I will have a couple of glasses of wine and try my hand at a submission....

TeakWoodKite said...

To darn funny Shtuey!.

I do fully support you in your endeavor and predict it will be a growin' concern...

petunia politik said...

i wanna be an anchorwoman. prove to me, shtuey, that as president of your media outlet, you have no misogynistic tendencies. call me contessa farquar, the low priestess of schtuplessly unbiased political coverage.

Shtuey said...

contessa, consider yourself anchored!

petunia politik said...

can somebody break the glass? l'chaim!

Wombat MacDougal said...

You have only scratched the surface here. So many people were berating our incoming President for being willing to sit down with hostile leaders. All the while nobody realized that this is just to get them in the same room so they can be challenged to single combat with the l'erpa and the ahn woon.

Edgeoforever said...

OK, this trekkie is in heaven after reading this ! That's precisely what T'Pau would have said!
Amok time explains not for me 90% of what happened in this election!
Live long and Prosper!

Anonymous said...

SNN needs a foreign correspondent - I am applying for the London office. I am mean and bitter, but can spin and distort the truth with the best of them! Big news in the UK is that Pampers has sent transport researchers to Manchester in the UK to study road congestion charges - yes, he is already devising ways to raise more taxes. Welcome to the reality of a Pampers administration.
Minnow

Shtuey said...

Minnow, consider yourself hired. post stories in the comments at Oh..my valve or email me.

petunia politik said...

now wait, minnow. since i have been hired as the anchorwoman, i have to read your submitted reports. please provide me with coherent and cogent content (say that three times fast). can you please type them in arial font, 10 pt, double spaced, and make sure that i have my stylist, hairdresser, and makeup artist on call should i need a quick touch up.

best,
contessa farquar

Rabble Rouser Reverend Amy said...

Shtuey, this is too funny. And thanks to Amy Petunia for posting this on Facebook - I appreciate the laugh!

maneesh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.

About Me

My photo
I went blind for 36 hours in the spring of 1973 while suffering from pneumonia. In my expert medical opinion I was suffering from an acute case of hysterical blindness caused by having to watch the Watergate hearings with my mom, who was also shvach with the pneumonia. As a result, I am now physiologically incapable of being bamboozled by politicians, reporters, commentators, partisans, artisans, charlatans, caravans, old sedans, chicks with tans, or guys named Stan. I am a satirist, rabid feminomacho equalitist, Israel and HaShem loving Jew, sarcastinator, historialogist, musicologist, pain in the ass, and thorn in your side. Animals are people. Two legs good, four legs awesome. אני מאמין באמונה שלמה