ALL THE NEWS I DECIDE TO MAKE UP

SINCE THE PAMPERS NEWS NETWORKS HAVE DEDICATED THEMSELVES TO MAKING UP AN ALTERNATE REALITY TO SHIELD THEIR CHOSEN ONE FROM SCRUTINY AND CRITICISM, I HAVE DECIDED TO FOLLOW THEIR LEAD, CREATING MY OWN NEWS NETWORK. I CONTROL THE HORIZONTAL. I CONTROL THE VERTICAL. I AM THE LIZARD KING! I CAN DO ANYTHING!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Mr. B'rack Selected President, America Kills Self


The United States of America was found dead on election night in a motel outside Reno, NV following the victory of Mr. B'rack Pampers in the Presidential election.  Forensic pathologists have ruled the death a suicide by voting.

"We found an inordinate number of ballots and hanging chads in the motel room where America was holed up on election day," reported medical examiner Crispy Pennyfart.  "At first we thought it was a lethal mixture of hope and change, but it was the chads."

"Americans are just plain stupid," said Lady Liberty in an SNN exclusive interview.  "We let in the huddled masses, we tell them to be responsible, and then they drink and vote and this is what happens."

The United States was laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetary today.  No word on who will be replacing the USA.  Our sources are saying that it may well be the Pampers Empire, or the Banana Republic of Waffles.

Rest assured that SNN will make up the details as they happen.

5 comments:

navyvet48 said...

Hubby and I about bust a gut on this post. We love news your way! Makes more sense then drivel on TV.

Anonymous said...

Shtuey: I would *greatly* appreciate it if you could publish the transcript of Barack Obama's apology phone call to Mrs. First Lady Nancy Reagan, which he was forced to make after insulting her at last week's press conference. All the News that Prit to Fint!

Thanks,
F.T.

annavedo said...

As a Reno resident, and a cousin to Crispy Pennyfart (bet you didn't know my middle name was Pennyfart, did you? It's my mom's surname) I tried to ascertain the name of the motel where the death occured. Early reports said it was the old Alamo Motel out on W. 4th Street, which used to be the main route through town, US Hwy 40 (picture the town Radiator Springs in the movie "Cars"). However, more reliable sources have come forward to point out the Alamo has been torn down, and naught but the sign remains. These sources suggest it was not outside town at all, but near downtown at the formerly named (and oft snickered at) "Be Gay Motel" whose named was changed in the 70s (for obvious reasons) to the BeJay Motel, which makes absolutely no sense a-tall. I'm on the case, and I'll keep you posted. Signed, New P. Frickinname

Anonymous said...

Thank you and if you need any 'out on left field' reporters let me know. CNN was soooo in the tank for Obama that it was truly sad. I keep telling people that THE PRESS DIED IN 2008. :-(

Woman Voter

P.S. loved your intro (@ RD's place) piece too.

maneesh said...
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I went blind for 36 hours in the spring of 1973 while suffering from pneumonia. In my expert medical opinion I was suffering from an acute case of hysterical blindness caused by having to watch the Watergate hearings with my mom, who was also shvach with the pneumonia. As a result, I am now physiologically incapable of being bamboozled by politicians, reporters, commentators, partisans, artisans, charlatans, caravans, old sedans, chicks with tans, or guys named Stan. I am a satirist, rabid feminomacho equalitist, Israel and HaShem loving Jew, sarcastinator, historialogist, musicologist, pain in the ass, and thorn in your side. Animals are people. Two legs good, four legs awesome. אני מאמין באמונה שלמה