Born 4 September 1793, the 215 year old Bates has also been a quantity surveyor, sex toy manufacturer, boxer, and professional crank. When contacted by SNN for comment Mr. Bates said, "If you call me again I'll kick your ass!"
ALL THE NEWS I DECIDE TO MAKE UP
SINCE THE PAMPERS NEWS NETWORKS HAVE DEDICATED THEMSELVES TO MAKING UP AN ALTERNATE REALITY TO SHIELD THEIR CHOSEN ONE FROM SCRUTINY AND CRITICISM, I HAVE DECIDED TO FOLLOW THEIR LEAD, CREATING MY OWN NEWS NETWORK. I CONTROL THE HORIZONTAL. I CONTROL THE VERTICAL. I AM THE LIZARD KING! I CAN DO ANYTHING!
Sunday, November 16, 2008
C. Everett Koop Identity Revealed!
In yet another SNN exclusive, long rumored theories have been confirmed. Carbon dating experts revealed this morning that former Ronald Reagan Surgeon General C. Everett Koop is in fact former Abraham Lincoln Attorney General Edward Bates.
- I went blind for 36 hours in the spring of 1973 while suffering from pneumonia. In my expert medical opinion I was suffering from an acute case of hysterical blindness caused by having to watch the Watergate hearings with my mom, who was also shvach with the pneumonia. As a result, I am now physiologically incapable of being bamboozled by politicians, reporters, commentators, partisans, artisans, charlatans, caravans, old sedans, chicks with tans, or guys named Stan. I am a satirist, rabid feminomacho equalitist, Israel and HaShem loving Jew, sarcastinator, historialogist, musicologist, pain in the ass, and thorn in your side. Animals are people. Two legs good, four legs awesome. אני מאמין באמונה שלמה