ALL THE NEWS I DECIDE TO MAKE UP

SINCE THE PAMPERS NEWS NETWORKS HAVE DEDICATED THEMSELVES TO MAKING UP AN ALTERNATE REALITY TO SHIELD THEIR CHOSEN ONE FROM SCRUTINY AND CRITICISM, I HAVE DECIDED TO FOLLOW THEIR LEAD, CREATING MY OWN NEWS NETWORK. I CONTROL THE HORIZONTAL. I CONTROL THE VERTICAL. I AM THE LIZARD KING! I CAN DO ANYTHING!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Martin Luther Lincoln Jr. Jr. Emancipates the Slaves


Unable to come up with a single proposal that doesn't piss off the majority of Americans, Resident Martin Luther Lincoln Jr. Jr. signed the Emancipation Proclamation today, thus freeing all slaves in the United States and its territories (this excludes women and children sold in the sex trade because, well, he doesn't give a fuck about them unless they plan to vote for him).

When reminded by a member of the press that the slaves had been freed by the REAL President Lincoln, Resident Lincoln Jr. Jr. said, "Nuh-uh dummy."  That'll show 'em.

3 comments:

Cinie said...

Luv ya, Shtu, but Lincoln didn't free the slaves, either. Which only makes Oblahblah's brand tie-in attempts even more pathetically disgusting show biz. But, you know what the next four years really needs? A laugh track. Laugh tracks have done wonders to make the pitiful tolerable. Ask Norman Lear.

Shtuey said...

Now Cinie, we're not going to let the truth get in the way are we? If Barry thinks Lincoln freed the slaves it must be true. You're asking for a first class ticket to the reeducation camps.

Anonymous said...

http://members.virtualtourist.com/m/tp/188c3d/

Check this out by the National Park Service. Not all whites owned slaves. Do a little research and google can be your friend.

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I went blind for 36 hours in the spring of 1973 while suffering from pneumonia. In my expert medical opinion I was suffering from an acute case of hysterical blindness caused by having to watch the Watergate hearings with my mom, who was also shvach with the pneumonia. As a result, I am now physiologically incapable of being bamboozled by politicians, reporters, commentators, partisans, artisans, charlatans, caravans, old sedans, chicks with tans, or guys named Stan. I am a satirist, rabid feminomacho equalitist, Israel and HaShem loving Jew, sarcastinator, historialogist, musicologist, pain in the ass, and thorn in your side. Animals are people. Two legs good, four legs awesome. אני מאמין באמונה שלמה